I love the podcast 10 Percent Happier... Today, I listened to the latest episode on my commute to work.
It gave me a couple of great reminders for what I am working on, observing around me, and meditating on these days. I am sharing this to document my thoughts, but also for anyone feeling any feels that can relate – or need the reminder (like I do) – because we’re not all perfect, but I really believe we are all out here trying our very best …
In the episode of the podcast, Dan (the host) quotes the great Thích Nhất Hạnh who wisely stated that another word for LOVE is UNDERSTANDING.
In my own limited life experience, understanding has always required more than what we often believe it to be; it isn’t memorization, analysis or categorization – at least not when it comes to human emotion.
Firsly, most importantly, and also one of the most challenging parts of understanding requires only listening (in silence) – to the story (or whatever). I want to say that one shoud avoid judgement, but this is not always natural or reasonable for any human – as much as we’d love to believe we are masters of our minds – we cannot always control the judgemental mind. Judgement is a human thing, it is protective – we develop this skilll of judging and it is useful in many ways otherwise. What we can do when trying to understand, is keep this judgement to ourselves (hence the silence): let it remain in the rumination of the mind until after we experience the being with fully (i.e. listening attentively). Only then can we find enough distance from that judgement that being with the other allows. The truth is, often with a bit of silence and listening comes the space to reflect- and these judgements fall away; replaced by true understanding.
This is love. The will to listen, without an agenda, an aim to fix, or solve, or prove that you know (better)- even if you are an expert on the topic – i.e. you studied, you read, you researched the data .. Human emotion cannot be reduced to data and your experience of it does not make it real or true for anyone else.
True understanding is not about you – It’s about connection, it’s about this love thing…
Understand – the English term, has roots in both Sanskrit and Latin – the prefix references not being beneath (under), but standing with, or among from the Latin comprehendere – to take together, to unite ( com – with, together; pre– before; hender/ghend – to seize with the mind).
It’s about how you can show your connection to the other person (being with). Listening, so you can be with them, hear how it feels for them without speaking, before (pre) letting your mind take over (seizing with the mind) to solve, advise, etc.
No advice is required if we want to validate someone’s experience of pain – or whatever they are sharing. In fact this act (advising – stating your opinion), even when attached to the best of intentions can be invalidating. The other person hears “Your best is not good enough,” “You’re doing it wrong,” “I (know better and) see it this way …” and many other versions of similar invalidating statements. One need only remember their own teenage years to really feel this on a personal level.
As an educator, and a learner – I believe that for the most part, we are all doing our very best and we all learn and grow into better versions of ourselves. So, being there, in the darkness with someone and really believing this – that they are doing the best they can right now, the same way you believe you are doing the same, is enough. No one needs to hear that you understand (in the sense of having been through the same or similar situation), if you don’t. It just feels nice to have someone sit with you so you’re not alone, sometimes.
Being with – is loving, and it requires no work at all, just time and enough courage to keep quiet. In the words of one of my favourite musicians James, sometimes the most understanding of acts is just sitting with someone.
“Those who feel the breath of sadness
Sit down next to me
Those who find they’re touched by madness
Sit down next to me
Those who find themselves ridiculous
Sit down next to me…”
This is true understanding as I see it.
written by Susanne Toito 